Zach and I have been married for five and a half years now. For the first four years, we felt like newlyweds, as the youngest childless couple in our extended family. I am grateful for that time to be just a couple, figuring out our way through marriage. By the time we did get pregnant, we had found a really comfortable place with each other.
I know some of you are in the newlywed phase, and I wanted to write the biggest, hardest, best lessons I learned as a new bride. But first I must honestly share my misconceptions about marriage. Deep down, I believed Zach would fulfill me. He was this prince on a white horse, and I placed him on a pretty tall pedestal. Marriage would fix our needs and struggles. And he certainly would start putting his clothes away when I moved in after the wedding.
Here is what I know now about newlywed life and marriage in general: I love Zach more today than I did during our wedding, but that is not because he has fulfilled and fixed my needs. Rather we have become more honest about our brokenness and still chosen to love. In the first year of marriage, I had to take him down from that pedestal and realize that we are both fallen humans that sin and mess up. I wasn’t enough to keep him from struggles or to make him put his clothes away. Instead of an entitled prince + princess, we became a team.
Living in a city with family faraway, we were best friends who worked hard to resolve conflict, instead of letting it fester. For a long time, I nagged about things that frustrated me, but slowly realized that if I wanted things to change, I needed to change. So, I put his clothes away myself, because that is my strength and began working on my struggles.
The most important thing I learned was that marriage is about exposing my sin and selfishness, and not about my happiness. And also - that it is worth the growing pains.
Thanks for your transparency and candidness about what you've experienced in marriage. I am currently a young married person and am starting to learn these lessons. What is means to really love each other, how you really build that "team" mentality within marriage, etc. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteEmily, these lessons are HARD to learn. And we have to keep learning them, but I do think that the more you submit yourself and marriage to God, the more fulfilling and loving your marriage can be. There is great HOPE for young married couples as we give up our idealistic expectations and learn what is true and life-giving in marriage. Love to you!
Deletesuch a great post on marriage and great advice. i think all of us do this, putting our husbands on a pedestal, seeing him as our savior.
ReplyDeleteworking as a team is exactly what we need to do always. great, great post!
Yup, great post! Ironically enough, one of the things that's come up for us occasionally is that I don't put my husband on ENOUGH of a pedestal. It's not that I don't appreciate him, it's that I recognize how much he does for us, and I want to contribute to our household that much too. He's such a good provider that I get worried that I'm just taking advantage of him if I don't do enough too. Sometimes I get too ambitious and controlling with what I want to accomplish, and he starts to think I don't believe he can take care of me. It's been something of a struggle to be there for each other through this since we're both workaholics and very stubborn. But for the most part, we both recognize that we just want to do as much as we can for each other, and we need to take the pressure off ourselves to keep from getting stressed out. For me especially, I need to step back more often and know that my husband will take care of everything.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, AshMarie! It seems like with most things in life, it is easy to stray too far to one extreme or the other. It is difficult to find that perfect middle, where you both love and value each other, without over- or under-appreciating your spouse.
DeleteIt's my first time here and I love it. So far I have read three great posts!! (and commented on all of them, just had to ;-) I am a newlywed, 4 months this past Saturday. I think it helped getting married at a later age (39) so I know marriage is not about making one another happy. It is about becoming that team that you talk about. Keep writing about things like this, it is so important! So far all I can write about on our blog is about that newlywed phase.
ReplyDeleteFound you via Influence Network, and me oh my, this post hits the nail on the head! I'm a newlywed by about 5 months and it has been hard... lots of reality checks. And I am HUNGRY for wisdom from gals like you. Please keep posts like this coming!
ReplyDeleteThank goodness for grace, huh? ;)
xoxo J
Love love love it. We just went to a marriage conference and this topic was talked about. Such a hard mindset to grasp, but man, how things change when we get it! Thanks for sharing and linking up!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful reminder. We're going on 5 years of marriage, and we are so much happier now than we were when we got married. Our love is deeper now than it was. We do not have children right now, and it has been such a blessing to get to know one another and learn what we both want.
ReplyDeleteThis is SUCH a beautiful post!! God has been teaching me a lot of marriage lately, and showing me that it's NOTHING like I thought it was. You put it so perfectly, I thought marriage was about fulfilling ME and my dreams, when really it's designed to be the biggest sacrifice we will ever make. And also the most rewarding.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing your insight! :)
Such a good post.
ReplyDeletewow. lindsey, i am like - speechless from this! this post is so encouraging and SO true. i am still a newlywed. we've been married a year and a half this month and this is something i still struggle with. i need to continue to remind myself that my husbands failures shouldn't upset me - they should point me to jesus, the one who will never fail us.
ReplyDelete'marriage is about exposing my sin and selfishness - and not about my happiness.' so true, so true.
thank you!
Love this, Lindsey. It's so encouraging to read posts like this that expose the reality of marriage - both the hard and the joyful parts of it. Thank you for this!
ReplyDelete