dedication Sunday
... I was shocked at my six-week doctor checkup to find I was “approved” to go back to work. I didn’t feel back to normal and physically I couldn’t figure out how I would even manage teaching and nursing and leaving my tiny babe. Although I wasn’t comfortable with the shape of my new-mom body, I gave myself a lot of grace and was impressed by how well my body was doing this job of growing a baby. I chose to dwell in that, instead of worrying about the extra pounds and squish.
As I found a rhythm to nursing, sleeping, taking care of our home, and doctor’s appointments, I began to find my voice. I had stories to tell and no forum to use. I also had this mental capacity that just wasn’t being tapped by the physicality of caring for a newborn. This was the biggest surprise of all, because I was expecting motherhood to fulfill me, every second of the day. It is fulfilling in so many ways, but I am also learning that God has created me to enjoy work and stretching my mind. I missed working, accomplishments, and deadlines. I missed teaching and communicating ideas. For someone who loves to cross the finish line, parenthood stretches on endlessly.
Starting to reflect, write, and work with women I love and respect has met a need to mentally engage in my world. I don’t believe this makes me less of a mother – it is making me better. I dreaded “waking up” in my 30s and feeling I had lost myself through giving everything to my kids. I hope when she is older, my words are read by my daughter. She can read what new motherhood was like, and how much I love her and her father. I hope she sees that friendships and honesty are worth it. I hope she sees the value of working hard and giving yourself grace to try new things and learn from mistakes.
I'm realizing that there is no one way to be a mother. My feelings, struggles, and needs are different from yours. Maybe this is why it felt like a "cliff" - I must find my own way to navigate this life, based on how God designed me. My words can be part of my way to teach and raise my daughter.
Lindsey, I'm not a mom yet, not even married yet, but I relate to this so much! One day I want to be a wife and mother, but I'm finding that, like you, I want to have things that are accomplish-able and a place to use my voice even when that time comes. Encouraged by your words. :)
ReplyDeletechelsea - i was totally shocked by this, so i'm glad my story is helping you a little bit! i think using our voice to influence others is so valuable at home and online.
DeleteI love this post, Lindsey. God has taught me many of the same lessons, but it has taken me wayyy longer to learn them (my oldest just turned 6!). So often we compare to other moms, or believe mommyhood is to look a certain way, when really God designed each of us uniquely. We are called to do the job of mothering with passion, heart, + grace, but it definitely does not need to fit in one particular little box. Thanks for encouraging me today :) -l
ReplyDeletepassion, heart + grace - love that, lauren. i have so many more lessons ahead of me :)
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ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I'm reading these encouraging posts before I'm a mama! As someone who spends a lot of time editing books for early childhood educators (i.e. preschool teachers and daycare providers), I've become a bit afraid that I'm going to screw up my future children! There's SO much out there about childhood psychology and what different kids need and how to teach them in EVERY moment of life . . . it just gets overwhelming and makes me feel like I'll be inadequate. Thanks for the reminder that God formed each of us, and included in that is the capacity to be the mother our kids need, even though it won't mean being perfect.
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